I sat with my small notebook and made chapter notes for the novel I have always wanted to write.  All said and done I had around 18 little pages.  That’s a first for me.  It flowed out of me like I was the person I once was when I was much younger.  A person who still believed in something.  I am beginning to feel that way again. 

If asked several days ago, I would have said that my life will never be the same and today I would agree with that statement.  The only difference, is that several days ago I thought that it was over and today I feel that it’s ready to begin.  I still have my down moments.  Music definitely seems to affect me as I seem to have a weakness for letting it move me.  A phrase or tune may lift me or tear me down…remind of a past that proabably wasn’t really there (I believe that I tend to romanticise reality).  However, I am on the path.  I can dream again.  “…when you stop dreamin’ it’s time to die” and I am certainly not dead yet.

This kind of struck home when I read it this evening. Regrets seem to be a theme as of late.

The majority of the first dream found me in an exam room.  As it began, I new a very few important facts.  The first of which, my wife was pregnant and due to some internal circumstance, she could not carry the baby.  The second fact, was that due to an experimental medical procedure, I was able to act as her surrogate.  I know, goody for me.  So here I was sitting on this exam table, waiting for my obstetrician, with my wife by my side.  There was some idle banter between me and the mrs., but eventually the doctor came in and proceeded with the exam and informed me that the baby was healthy and progressing on schedule.  Now, usually I am one to include as many details as I can remember when describing a dream.  However, due to the fact that there was use of a vaginal ultrasound device (and if you have seen one of those when at the ob with the wife) that still gives me shivers, I will refrain from going into any more details.

The second dream was also rather short, but definitely strange.  It began with my wife and myself sitting in my car.  It was night out and very cold.  We seemed to be making idle chit chat when there was a knock on the window of the car.  It was two little girls.  Well, to call them “girls” is not quite accurate.  You see, they seemed to be only human in part.  The other part I can only describe as feline in nature.  Although they did not have a tail, their faces and mannerisms betrayed a rather feline quality.  Another oddity of the dream was that I knew that I was somehow related to these girls; most likely my children.  As they began to talk to me, there was a loud rumble and a river of water and ice began to wash over my car.  I managed to get the window up, but the two little girls were swept under.  The flood eventually subsided and I got out of the car to try and rescue the girls.  The only issues were that the water was still almost waist deep and it seems the girls had become invisible.  I dove under again and again until I found the first.  I resuscitated the invisible girl, but was no easy task, and dove again for the second one.  She was the smaller of the two and it took me quite a bit of time to bring her back to the world of the living.  I remember the fear I felt that she wouldn’t survive.  It was at the time when I heard the sputtering cough that I could not see that I awoke.

As you can see, another night of odd dreams.  It definitely makes for an enjoyable first few minutes after I wake up.

The first movie that I want to talk about is the new Harry Potter flick…Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I thought the film was a decent transition flick.  It did lack the action of some of the earlier flicks, but I think that it did serve it’s purpose fairly well…and that was to give a story transition and to set the stage for the final movies.  I did wish that there was additional back story, but to include everything from the book, we would have had to endure a 10 hour movie.  All in all, I enjoyed it.

The next movie Push and I watched it just today on Bluray.  I had heard it was not that great, but it was in the good old Netflix queue so it arrive in the mail.  I have to say that I found it to be decent as well.  I was intrigued with the story, even if I did find a few spots to be a little slow and there could have been a bit more action.  Dakota Fanning did a nice job, but I have been a fan of her since she did the SciFi channel alien mini-series that I cannot recall the name of at the moment.  She was only 5 years old at the time, but she did an exceptional job.

The final flick I caught was another BluRay Netflix special titled Australia.  It was pretty good as well.  Although I was rather surprised when what I thought to be a quasi-western romance turned into a war romance.  Jackman and Kidman did a good job in their respective roles.  All in all, very watchable.

So, in retrospect, not a bad week for movies.

I think that this piece was from a short story I intended, that, like all of my other endeavors, did not come to fruition.  Again, it is not great, but a quick read that may interest some.  Oh, it is a tad depressing.

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For what seems like most of my life, I have lived a miserable existence.  It feels as if the weight of the world has become my own personal gravity and its intent is to crush very spirit from my bones.  It is so hard for me to remember a time when I was happy.  I guess that I really never have understood the really meaning of that word.  Well, I guess that I knew the meaning, but I have never seen any relationship between the word and any feeling that I have ever felt.  I had finally given up the search for the elusive happiness and accepted my quest as a failure.  If this is what life was supposed to be, then so be it.  Then, I met you.

For the first time in my life, I was happy.  Finally, I understood.  It was an exquisite feeling.  Every time our eyes met, every time our lips  touched, every time our hands brush against one another, I felt happy.  I knew that I was not where I wanted to be, but I didn’t care.  I was happy.  If every single thing in my world had come crashing down and nothing, not one thing, ever went right again, then I could stand it.  I could stand it, knowing that I had you to hold and to kiss and to love.  I finally realize and truly understand what it was like to be happy.  It is a joy that felt in my heart that I would gladly die for.  Yet, this all changed.  You went away.  To me, this was the worst possible punishment that could have ever been conceived.  To know what happiness – true happiness- was, and then to have it ripped away.  I wondered what I had done to deserve this fate.  What had I done?  I was not evil.  I was not some horrid menace.  I was not even a bad person.  Yet, the cruelest twist of fate had left me crippled.  You were gone.  You had stolen my soul.  So was my happiness.  I may never be happy – never have you again, but I would gladly die for the chance.  As I now know, that living without you is a death that I die each day.

Another oldie from found notebook.  I actually do like this one a little.

Yesterday

Sometimes when I am alone, my soul laments.  Wrenched from the routines of everyday, it drifts to the things that should be.  To the instances that laid bare its intentions, in which seemingly dire consequences occur.  To the opportunities that were left for others and the paths that grew hedged with thorns.  To the times when a single word or certain action could have prevented the pain that ensued.  To the times when courage was lacked and boldness faded within a breath.  To the times when rage and the bloody brine of anger brought a salty taste to my lips.  To the rare moments when  only the comfortable waves of happiness filled the empty.  To the many times when loneliness came, bring with it the void of terror and anguish.  It drifts to those times, which came far to often, when there was nothing there.  Not the smallest ripple in the fountain.  Not the tiniest tingle of a feeling.  Only the nothing.  The black nothing.

I found an old notebook in the garage with some of my early amateurish ramblings.  I thought I would toss a few out here for fun.  Be advised, they are not great.

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I recall the feel of her slim hand as it softly caressed my cheek.  I remember the chill it gave me as the love radiated from within – although now I wonder if it was just the cold.

I remember thinking about has something magical passed between us each time we kissed.  However, I guess it was lips touching and nothing more.

I remember the warm feeling that came over me when our eyes met for a brief instant.  Although now I know that you just looking past me…for someone else.

Sideways – This critically acclaimed drama starred Paul Giamatti and  Thomas Haden Church.  Back when it was new and shiny, the critics were swooning in the aisles over this movie.  So, I thought I would give it a go.  Big mistake.  Paul Giamatti has some serious acting chops.  However, even he could not give any depth to his broken character.  I gathered that his portrayal of the broken down loser was supposed to garner sympathy from the audience.  However, the only sadness I felt was for myself for having to sit through this movie.  As for Thomas Hayden Church, well, let’s just say that I hope there is a “Wings” reunion movie, because it sure is not going to be this movie that ferry’s his career back from the land of the dead.  This is a definite must-skip movie, as it received my highest insult of not pausing it when I went to the bathroom.

Bride Wars – This movie was basically an attempt to get a chick flick for the wife that might make up for the horrible Sideways we had just watched.  Bad call on my part as this movie was only slightly more watchable.  In this flick, we had Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as best friends turned enemies as they battle over a wedding date and locale.  The preview boasted some comedic moments that I thought might provide some relief and those moments were in the movie.  Although every single one of those moments were in the preview.   The rest of the movie was as shallow as the main characters, who were at best, unlikeable.  To make a long story short….skip it.

This week has proven to be a waste of time and my valuable Netflix rentals.  Please, please, please do not waste one second of your life on these movies.

I experienced something the other night that I consider to be very rare indeed.  I experienced cross thread dreaming.  That is, part of a dream showing up within another dream.

Dream 1:  I don’t remember a lot of this dream, but the basic concept was that I was at a cheesy carnival.  The kind of skeevy, roll-into-town carnival that is usually featured in low budget movies.  In this dream, I was moving from booth to booth, playing the various midway games and I was winning.  I was winning at every single booth.  And what was winning?  Stuffed animals.  I had too many to carry.  It really was a ridiculous amount.  That’s pretty much all remember.

Dream 2:  This dream was also vague.  The basic concept was that I was in an office and a coworker had broken their cell phone.  In this dream, I was attempting to fix their cell.  Simple dream.

Dream 3:  Now, this dream is where the cross dream threading occurs.  You see, I was at an office.  Strangely, this was not the office in which I currently work.  Anyway, this dream was rather mundane.  Basically, it revolved around  me doing boring office tasks, most of which I only vaguely remember.  However, here is the odd part.   It turns out, that in the dream that I had been on vacation, or at least away from the office.  My boss, a man which doesn’t exist in reality, instructed me that I had tasks waiting for me in my office and that I should get to work.  Now, when I opened the door to the office, I saw that the small space was full of the stuffed animals I had won in the first dream.  After wading through them, I found the awaiting task on my desk.  It was my coworker’s cell phone with a note that said it was waiting to be repaired.  This, was the cell from the second dream.  It was at this point I awoke to the realization of what just happened.

I consider myself lucky to experience this little subconscious oddity, especially since the dreams did not occur on the same night.  Anyone had any similar experiences?